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In my darkest hour!

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In the darkest hour, we are more susceptible to the light. Only as we face such wrong can we truly appreciate what is right. In the darkest hour, my shadow became my light
My demon took over me, I lost me in me, I became what I never wanted to be.
For long, have I longed to paint my world, but the needed paints were not found in its colour plants, So I dipped my brush right in my soul’s porch finding needed combinations, and boom! Without calculations, what I searched outwardly, was innate all the while, proudly hidden in plain sight.

I suppose I was immature wishing the world was bright and pure and when that fateful event occurred, my disease could not be cured, I held what I had and now it’s gone.
Now it became my plight, I had to bring myself consciously out of myself to view life as I would. I pray my weary heart be still, though my journey is almost over, my race is nearly run. As I lay here in the fading light surrounded by young and old. I await the generations which my story will be told.
Now at the dying of the light. As I slowly loose the strength to fight.
I lay and await the call, the final journey in this life, the ride into the next.
A chance to take my stock, a chance for a much needed rest.
Those wounds will only heal If you let them, so never be afraid to show the world your flawless, fading scars because you will never know how many will be inspired to walk hand in hand with you when they they see your beautifully bold visage.
Embrace the adversity that they themselves shied away from.
I am the match in the dark, I am that brave warrior!

El’Temur Abidemi
©2016

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Self pity 😒

Some of us experience more adversity and painful events in our lives than others. We wonder why we go through difficulties and not the ‘bad’ people. Unfortunately, life is not fair.
Awful things happen. Dreadful circumstances and tragedies will affect most of our lives at some point. It’s okay to cry and feel sorry for yourself and your circumstances, mope around, or get angry. But at some point you must shake it off, let go of the past, and not let it consume you. It will keep you from moving forward in a constructive way.
I am not addressing clinical depression here. I am talking about SELF-PITY, which according to the dictionary is “a self-indulgent dwelling on your sorrows or misfortunes.”
When we fall into self-pity, we allow it to take control of our lives. We become completely self-absorbed. It is destructive to dwell on negative events and carry that bitterness and resentment forward. When we keep our focus on the hurt, we aren’t focused on taking control of our lives.
If we blame negative circumstances for our place in life, we are giving up responsibility and control. We whine and feel sorry for ourselves. We can choose to spread our misery, or we can choose to rise above our circumstances.
Self-pity is a form of selfishness. It makes us less aware of the needs and suffering of others. Our own suffering is all we think or care about in our self-absorbed state.
Self-pity is a choice. You can choose to lift yourself up and enjoy life! You are in charge of your own happiness. It is your personal responsibility.
So go ahead and cry, mope and feel sorry for yourself and stay in bed all day. Feel the pain and the hurt. Live your reality and misery. It’s okay and even healthy to do that. But then let it go!
Don’t let it consume your life. You are not alone or unloved. Remember there are other people in your life who need you. There are people you haven’t even met yet who need you! You can’t help anyone else if you only see yourself.

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Little guy!

Sometimes I hate the way I look, I feel so sad about it. Imagine me in my late 20s looking like a teenage boy, that’s what am talking about. I would look at myself, look at my age and compare myself to others of the same age. Waoh! There is a huge difference. While I look skinny, pale and undeveloped, they look big, huge, muscular and strong. Even my own siblings look older than me.  This issue had me cheated, bullied even in my final year. Yes, I was bullied by teenage boys in 100 and 200 level. There is one particular day a guy asked me to pay for what he bought, when I refused he held grudges with me, threatened me because he was huge and a blow from him will definitely land me in the school health center. This was because of the way I look. Yes am a SCD warrior, but they don’t even care. They just want to show themselves after being initiated to one cult or the other.  Several occasions I remained silent because am afraid of being squashed by a younger boy. But even with all the flaws, I still had someone who looked up to me. I was like, though am in 400level I still need a school father not to be one. But this guy just loved everything about me even though he is my size but the age different is huge. I stood out among others, the brain, the knowledge, and all other things he needed was in me. So I figured out its not by size but by what you are built with, am a warrior and I got it all!

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The Mask

Behind our faces lies a mask, we each wear our own mask to hide or disguise our true self. We sketched, created and mastered it because we need it to fulfil a task, to hide our guilt, pain and shame away so others may never see the tears hidden behind the laughter.
It prevents those we love from seeing us weak, so we can be their anchor during the storm that lays in wait.

When we’re reminded of our past each passing day, the mask hides our demons from watchful eyep, for they will gaze upon us with glares that burn through our hearts.
But I can no longer carry this mask, it is slipping off my face and revealing my scars, no longer shall I hide the pain away nor the guilt and shame I’ve felt. They will see the wells overflowing as I shall proclaim my sins and become my true self so they may know my name and the pains hidden behind the mask.

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A true friend!

Don’t depend too much on anyone in this world because even your own shadow leaves you when you’re in darkness.  A person who truly loves you, is someone who sees the pain in your eyes, while everyone else believes in the smile on your face. That person understand your inner mind, he knows when you are thinking, when you are happy and when you are sad. He knows how to comfort you, he knows the right word to say that would make you smile. I remember someone telling me about how I used to dance, how I sang along to songs by my favourite artist. He reminds me of how shy I was back school, when I would run away when I see ladies and how I was trying to get their attention when I think I needed a lady in my life. “You Wey fit do anything for woman” I laughed my intestines out, but yes he really got me and that moment I had forgotten the situation I was in and look forward to things I want to do when I recover.

el’ Temur Abidemi